Stuck living the single life, at least for the time being? It can be tough, especially since us survivors of abuse often crave love. And we can find a lot of healing with a partner who respects us, too! That adds to our desire to live the “partnered life” instead.
Not to mention the loneliness that can hit when we live on our own, without someone to cuddle and kiss and share hardships with.
Love is an important thing for us humans and, for those of us interested in romantic relationships, living the single life can be tough. So, here’s how to cope with it and even use it as an opportunity to deepen self love. This way of nurturing yourself will also guide you towards more loving relationships.
Why the Single Life Makes Some of Us Feel Empty
Why do some of us feel comfortable being single…and others of us struggle? Even within survivors of abuse, some of us have a hard time feeling comfortable on our own. Some don’t seem to mind it.
Well, half the reason the single life is so uncomfortable is because we naturally crave affection and connection. That’s just part of being human. So, finding comfort in being single is first about accepting these desires. Resisting a natural desire only adds to the discomfort we feel when we’re on our own. So, accept what you feel first.
The biggest belief that makes being single so tough is…
You believe a partner will fill in emotional holes.
After abuse, we have places within us that hurt. Things we lost and are grieving. Pain we’re reliving. It’s not an easy journey to heal from abuse, by any means—but it is something we have to do on our own.
Even the most supportive partner can’t walk that journey for us. When we want someone to walk us through our own pain, it can actually lead to codependency—or such a desperation for love that we settle for people who aren’t great for us.
So, to feel comfortable living the single life, we have to learn to show up for ourselves in our tough moments. We need to validate and accept all emotions, and begin practicing self love.
When we show up for ourselves, we won’t feel nearly as lonely even without a partner in our life.
Showing up for Yourself Allows You to Make This Super Important Choice
There’s a critical choice every survivor needs to make after abuse, when pursuing new relationships. It’s the choice to only allow people who treat us with respect into our life (in whatever ways are possible—some toxic people are really hard to avoid).
You have the choice to only date people who are good for you. People who respect your boundaries and encourage your dreams. And, if someone starts to show some red flags, you need to use the power of your choice to leave them. This combination of choices will help you open the doors to truly loving relationships.
These choices also mean you have to be willing to face loneliness and grief when you choose to not be with someone toxic. You may want the love they (sometimes) give, but you have to make the choice to walk away anyways—as they ultimately aren’t good for you.
It’s a tough choice, but it’s empowering. When you do it, you’re keeping the door open for the truly loving partner the Universe has lined up for you.
Some Encouragement to Get Through the Single Life
Like all things in life, being single is temporary. It might take a few months or a few years to find a partner—but there are billions of people on this planet, and many of them are deeply loving and wonderful individuals. There is someone out there perfect for you, and sometimes that means staying on your own for a bit until your lives align.
As you enter more relationships, you’ll discover what unconditional love looks like and it will eventually become a permanent part of your life.
Love can enter your life at any age too. I’ve spoken with so many survivors over the past four years, many of which were fifty or sixty or even seventy—having spent decades living the single life.
Then, all the sudden, the person they were destined to be with showed up. And they were ready to let them into their heart, because they’d walked away from toxic relationships. They now are living a happily partnered life together.
So, keep that hope alive. Don’t settle for people who aren’t good for you—instead, walk bravely through the loneliness with trust in your heart that the right person will appear. You just need to keep the door open for them until then.
Let me know one of these two things in a comment below, too:
If you’re single, what’s something you’re going to wait for in a partner? What are you going to refuse to settle for just cause it’s “alright”?
If you’re in a happy relationship, share what your journey through the single life and into partnership was like!
Then go ahead and share this blog with someone else struggling with the single life. The more resources survivors of abuse can access, the better off we’ll all be. <3