3 Self Help Ideas Making Us Feel Not Good Enough
You are so dedicated to your healing, so willing to do the work to recover, and yet there might be a little voice that keeps asking “am I doing enough?”
Self help ideas sometimes shame us into thinking we’re not. Despite the transformative offerings in these fields, those of us with mental illnesses and disabilities are left behind. Where are the personal development leaders that live with our conditions? Where are those that understand us?
They’re quite hard to find and, as a result, inaccessible self help concepts are popularized.
Those of us with mental illness continue to be told we’re not good enough
The concept “choose happiness” is one of the worst. It says we can just decide what emotions we feel, regardless of depression or other illnesses.
Many leaders say we have to totally love ourselves before we can be loved by another, while completely ignoring that self love is a process.
Medication is stigmatized and we’re shamed for taking it, treated like we’re giving up on our recovery by “resigning” to medicinal treatment.
Frustrating, right?
These alienate those of us with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and basically any other mental illness by telling us that we’re not good enough at recovering.
Well, here’s the truth—if you’re working on recovery, you’re doing it just right. Living with a mental illness is a complex thing and you deserve to hear inclusive self help techniques.
So, here’s an episode that debunks these outdated concepts and changes them into more supportive and realistic ideas. Enjoy!
Is it refreshing to hear that you don’t have to choose happiness, you can pursue personal growth while on medication, and you are deserving of love right here and right now?
I really hope so. Of course, I know these are only three of the ways the self help field tells us we’re not good enough. There are (unfortunately) many many more.
That’s why I’d love to hear from you below in the comments.
What self help techniques have been off-putting for you?
Which ideas have made you feel like you’re not good enough?
Your unique version of healing and growth and recovery is important. It’s valid and it’s beautiful.
Together, we can start a change these outdated self help techniques and make the field more inclusive for those of us with mental illness. This blog will help us all change the self help world for the better, so please don’t hesitate to spread this video around!
Related video: 4 Things You Need to Hear When Living With Mental Illness
Alyson Swihart
May 3, 2017 at 6:40 pmFirst of all, I love your video!!! I never realized how these terms are sooo harmful… I just kept feeling BAD when they are used. Thank you for explaining what I’ve always been feeling, but haven’t been able to put to words. And your solutions for each topic is very helpful. I’m so glad I found you and your website!
Arien Smith
May 4, 2017 at 8:24 amExactly!! That’s why it’s so important to speak up about this–because it causes this inner shame and questioning of “am I doing something wrong?” So glad I could be here to bring this video and my other work to you!
Rolande Sumner
May 4, 2017 at 6:12 amThank you for sharing your that you have mental health issues and that you are finding ways to cope. I’m in the same boat with post war mental health issue. It’s a long road to a “happy place”. It takes a lot of work and utilizing tools and resources that work best for you. In my journey I realized that being completely honest with myself about what I want, who I really am and what I’ve been though was extremely helpful. It provided a ground zero. It freed me to set new goals and to truly pursue a life that made me happy.
Arien Smith
May 4, 2017 at 8:25 amYes, recovery and healing can definitely be a long road. Tools and resources are essential to this journey, too. That self acceptance and honesty sounds so powerful, and I totally agree that a similar mentality has helped me out a ton. Best of luck as you continue your journey!
Jennifer Lizee
May 4, 2017 at 2:25 pmI think “choose happiness” is my least favourite out of the three because I feel like that’s the one that I used the most to beat myself up. Somehow “choosing happiness” was more like choosing guilt, shame, frustration, more sadness, and confusion as to why I couldn’t do this thing that was apparently supposed to be simple. It caused me to lie to myself too sometimes – just mentally saying telling myself “you’re happy, you’re happy, you’re happy” and deep down knowing it wasn’t true, which was just another way that kept me from allowing myself to get help. Same thing applied to the whole concept of self-love.
Luckily, in the last few months my recovery has made huge strides, and I’m better able to understand what wellness looks and feels like to me. Now I just let the bad days happen and expect them, which I’m sure some people might say is something I shouldn’t do. However, somehow acknowledging them and knowing that they’re a part of my life has actually made it easy to get through those days and still get at least some things done.
Thank you for the post. I’m certain many people need to hear this message because it’s easy to feel like a failure for not meeting these so-called “requirements” to have a good life. I hope the people that need to hear this find their way to your video.
Arien Smith
May 6, 2017 at 12:00 pmYes, exactly! That’s why “choose happiness” can be such a harmful phrase to hear. I struggled with a lot of the same things when I heard it in the past, until I realized that the concept itself was wrong, not me. I’m with you about self-love too, in fact I tackled some of that idea in this post here too.
I am SO glad to hear your recovery has entailed such huge strides! That’s incredible and it sounds like the deep self-acceptance (like accepting bad days) can really help you out. I totally believe you’re doing the right thing. Acknowledging tough times is a lot healthier than running from them.
Really glad that you enjoyed this post!
Sharon T McLaughlin MD FACS
May 5, 2017 at 12:23 amAlways love your inspirational posts. You find the good in everything. Mental illness is becoming more accepted because of voices like yours.
Arien Smith
May 6, 2017 at 12:00 pmThank you so much, Sharon! Acceptance and breaking down stigma is really a primary goal of my work.
Starr
May 6, 2017 at 10:43 amThanks for shedding light on this issue. I’m guilty of advising ppl to “choose happiness.” I didn’t realize how narrow and isolating my view was, but glad for your perspective. My goal is always to write with sensitivity to my single over 30 readers. This helps. Thank you!
Arien Smith
May 6, 2017 at 12:02 pmWith it being such a prevalent concept, “choose happiness” worms it’s way into many circles of advice! I really commend you for continuing to work on sensitivity and reevaluating this phrase now that you’ve heard this alternate perspective. It’s an honor to have helped with that, and it elates me to know that you are a part of making self help more inclusive for people with mental illness!
Lauren
May 8, 2017 at 3:46 pmI absolutely agree with you on the choose happiness idea. It’s so annoying as if anyone would choose to be unhappy. When you’re really low it’s so hard to see anything joyful or happy so that self care advice isn’t helpful or constructive!
Arien Smith
May 9, 2017 at 12:54 pmExactly! It’s definitely not our fault when we feel unhappy (most of the time, at least).
Charlene Anestis
May 9, 2017 at 12:09 pmWonderful message Arien! Agree.Agree.Agree. I got help at 40 finally went on medication and delved into self help and my own spirtuallity to recover. I did get off medication after 1 year only by doing the work I needed to do as I had also stabilized enough. I do find though that many of the leaders in the industry have had our struggles in the past and just don’t publicize it as much once they are considered experts. Their earlier work, books, etc. usually share bits and pieces of their stories. The one thing that really helped break everything down for me in bite size pieces was choosing my thoughts one by one its a little different from choosing happiness. Have you ever read anything by Byron Katie? I found her really helpful.
Arien Smith
May 9, 2017 at 12:57 pmThanks so much, Charlene! So glad you were able to find healing through a mix of medication and personal work. Medication can be so vital for recovery! I have heard of some leaders who have struggled in the past, certainly, but I also wish there was more representation in leaders who have chronic mental illness–conditions that can’t or aren’t necessarily cured in a short(ish) amount of time. Brene Brown I know is a great leader and she has incredibly compassionate and beneficial work!
I haven’t heard of Byron Katie, but I will totally check her work out! Thanks for letting me know. Love the idea about choosing thoughts too. We can totally self-correct what we think–it’s a fantastic technique to use.