Dissociation feels so radically different now, compared to when I was a dissociative identity disorder system. And gosh, did it startle me! I was so nervous I was about to un-fuse and turn into a bunch of alters again! But, it turns out this dissociative experience was a great lesson in the spectrum of dissociation, how this mechanism is often a last resort, and on how much energy even a couple hours of dissociating takes.
(Shout out to all you DID systems living with chronic fatigue)
This video is more vlog style, so I hope you enjoy it! As always, feel free to leave questions or comments about final fusion, dissociation, trauma recovery, or other related things.
Video transcript (slightly edited for clarity)
Oh my gosh, okay! So today’s video on DID fusion is a little intense, because I actually dissociated for the first time since I fused almost a year ago. So I have a lot to talk about and I have a lot to explore in this video. And I’m really excited to share this with you, of what dissociation was like when you no longer really have DID, or at least you’re not a did system.
Oh, also, my name’s Calion! And here I’m going to talk about dissociative identity disorder fusion.
So once I was fused it was really weird though. My entire life, my entire way of kind of symptomatically living as far as DID symptoms go was totally different. So basically I was one person, right? That’s a pretty radical change. I also no longer dissociated. I was very grounded, in my body. Dissociation couldn’t happen even if I tried to.
“I couldn’t really detach from my body in the way that you usually can when you have DID.”
And there was no sense of switching. There was no sense of kind of continuous memory repression and stuff. Basically all of these dissociative experiences just kind of vanished with fusion. And that was super cool because it freed up a ton of energy for me to do other things. Because like with dissociation, you don’t really realize it, but it’s really exhausting. And once you’re free of it then you’re like, “Oh my gosh, okay, wow! That was really tiring!” So my whole fusion journey was really interesting so far.
By the way, I do have a video coming up pretty soon on what my first year as a fusion was like, so subscribe to my channel if you’re interested in that! Of what, yeah, basically my first year not being a DID system was like!
Okay, anyways, back to the topic of what it was dissociating when it wasn’t specifically a DID thing and when I wasn’t unfusing.
“This dissociation was not me forming another alter or returning back to having alters or being a system.”
So I do want to clarify that this was different dissociation than that of DID, and I do live with borderline personality disorder, which does have some dissociative characteristics. I just hadn’t experienced any of those symptoms up until this point.
I’m not sure exactly where the dissociation came from, whether it was something having to do with that BPD or if it was something that was a lot more related to just dissociating because of trauma stuff. Or just life being really really stressful, because my life has been very very stressful lately. So I’m not exactly sure where that dissociation came from, but I can talk about how different it felt from being a DID system.
Before, when I was a DID system, dissociation was usually accompanied with, well, I mean switching alters. So that was pretty common, or it had to do with losing time. So even if an alter didn’t really switch, or it didn’t seem like an alter switched, I would lose gaps in memory and things like that.
“I would forget what I was doing. I would wander around aimlessly.”
I’d be like, “What was I doing? What was I going to get?” There was a lot of that sort of confusion and disorientation. And it was very extreme, where I was literally losing half an hour, an hour, or multiple hours of time that I just couldn’t remember. So that was part of my dissociative experience as a DID system, but this time it was very different.
So one of the things that happened when I was a DID system is that I would lose touch with my body, right? I’d kind of feel like I was floating out of it, or I was at least like detached from sensation. Like if I was to tap my hand or something, I could barely feel it. Whereas with this dissociation that I experienced more recently as a fusion…
“I could actually feel my body very clearly, it was just kind of tingly.”
So that was a weird experience as far as dissociation goes. And that’s what kind of clued me into it being dissociation, where my body wasn’t feeling connected to the sensations that it should have been connecting to. So when I would tap my hand and stuff I still couldn’t really feel that, but I could feel other sensations in my body. So one of the other things about this dissociation, and this is kind of the kind of frightening part of it, was that I was also still disoriented and confused. I would wander a little bit.
I’d be like, “What was I doing? What was I doing?” Or like, “Where did I put my phone?” Or things like that. But I wasn’t actually losing time.
“So I wasn’t experiencing any sort of dissociative amnesia or fugue or anything like that.”
Where I was somewhere that I didn’t remember being or I would black out when I’m reflecting back on what had happened and stuff. I was more just a little out of it, a little bit scatter-brained in that sense.
My brain was definitely functioning in a different way and it was very clear that I was in a different state of being and I was dissociating, but the actual sensations and the symptoms and the ways that it showed up were totally different than experiencing it as a DID system.
And then of course one of the unique things about having this dissociative experience as a fusion was that I got really scared that I was about to form another alter or go back to being a system or anything like that.
There was nothing wrong with being a system! And I want to acknowledge that, and that there was actually a lot of joy and a lot of fun and a lot of curiosity in it. But at the same time I really like who I am now as a fusion and it just kind of feels better for me.
“I was really nervous I’d lose my fusion, because I was starting to dissociate.”
But I recognize now having had a little bit of distance from this experience, that dissociation is on this huge spectrum. In a way it was also reassuring that this fusion that I have, who I am right now, is very stable in my identity and stuff despite the intense trauma things that I’m experiencing and BPD symptoms and other dissociation and stuff.
Oh! One of the other things about this dissociative experience is that I forgot how absolutely exhausting dissociation is.
“I was wiped out that day so after this dissociative episode.”
I was literally falling asleep over dinner. While I was watching TV and eating dinner with my fiancé and I was like, “I’m so tired.” But basically it was a lot more exhausting than I remembered dissociation being, because I hadn’t experienced it in a while. So all of a sudden I was like, “Oh my gosh! This is what dissociation’s like! This is absolutely tiring!” And my body was like, “Whoa, this is a very intense experience.”
So it did kind of clue me in a little bit too as well as to how dissociation is such a protective mechanism and is also kind of a last resort. So I’ve been under stress for quite a while pretty intense stress. And eventually it got to the point of having some dissociation, so it really was like one of my brain’s last resorts.
I can see why, because it consumes so much energy! And that really reminds me of when I was a system and how exhausted I was all the time and how much more energy I have as a fusion.
“Dissociation and what it looks like, what it feels like, is different for all of us.”
So I would absolutely love to hear in the comments what your dissociative experiences are like, whether that’s as a system, as a fusion, or as someone who doesn’t have DID but has other forms of dissociation. Also, as always, feel free to ask questions. I love talking about being a DID fusion and what that process was like and the information that I know about dissociative identity disorder.
So if you have any questions and stuff, I will do my best to answer those in the comments.
“I’ll make another video on popular questions.”
And then, of course, please like this video if you enjoyed it and subscribe as well. I talk about DID and fusion. I also talk on my channel a lot about things abuse recovery and symptom coping and perspectives and reflections on what it’s like to live in this world as someone who carries a lot of pain from past abuse. And how to navigate the world like that. How to cultivate joy, how to do those sort of things that make life a better experience. So go ahead and subscribe if you’re interested!
And then if you want to learn more about DID or the other work that I do, or other resources and offerings that I have, all of those are linked below in the description. So go ahead and check those out too! Alrighty, well I hope that you have an absolutely wonderful day and that you found this vlog on dissociation as a fusion to be an interesting thing to check out.
Alright, bye for now!